Mind Over Body

YAAAAAAAWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN.

This is me about every 5 seconds today. I yawn so loudly and for so long people stop and look at me. My eyes keep drooping, my head becomes too heavy for my hand and my chin dips down to my chest before snapping back up in hopes my professors didn’t see. I can’t recall ever truly falling asleep in class but I did this week. My poor professors. Staying awake in class was hard enough before the side effects of my medication…

Last week, my side effects included nausea, headaches, shortness of breath, mood swings and waking up at ungodly hours consistently everyday. This week seems to be an improvement from those. I can now hold down food and have even felt hungry at times. I was delighted to find that I actually wanted to eat something! Lately, every time I’ve wanted something, I immediately get it for myself in hopes that my body will continue to allow me to eat willingly. The nausea no longer comes after every meal! Yay! The headaches have stopped for the most part, my mood seems more or less stabilized and I can breathe properly. However, my body has developed more surprises for me such as extreme physical fatigue and the continuation of waking up at ungodly hours.

The yawning began Tuesday night and I felt my body begin to fade around 8 pm. Everybody knows that going to bed at 8 pm is socially unacceptable so I forced myself to stay awake just a little bit longer. I participated in a weekly Bible study, caught up on homework, got ahead on homework and forced myself to take a shower. Showering has become so ridiculously difficult. The amount of effort it takes to shower is excruciating. It sounds silly to complain about a shower but I have to have people force me to go shower otherwise I just collapse on my couch and tell myself I’ll do it the next day. When 11 pm rolled around, I could no longer keep my eyes open and went to bed. This is the earliest I’ve ever gone to bed and not been sick. I am very much a night owl. 11 pm is usually when my night begins and I’m out adventuring until about 3 am even on school nights. I was very accustomed to running on about 5 hours of sleep daily and would recover over the weekend. Going to bed at 11 pm is unheard of for someone like me. The thing is normally my mind is able to stay mentally active even when my body is tired but lately, my body feels so fatigued that it overtakes my mind and I am unable to think at all which is a blessing sometimes.

Wednesday was even worse. I yawned every 5 minutes even though my mind was mentally active. I had slept for about 9 hours minus the two times I had woken up at 5 and 7 am which is the most amount of sleep I’ve gotten on a school night. Did I mention I napped twice on Tuesday? Not once, but twice. I had two naps on Tuesday and still managed to sleep for 9 hours and still be exhausted. If people saw me walking by, they could have easily mistaken me for a walker which is a zombie for those that don’t watch TV and began prepping for an apocalypse. My eyes were half shut, my face was on rest mode and my feet dragged along the sidewalk. I was so exhausted my mind had to be quiet in order for me to make it back to my room. Every ounce of energy I had went to staying awake.

In the midst of all this, I listen to the gentle singing of my delighted soul. It’s the only part of me that doesn’t feel fatigued. Maybe it does, I don’t know, I just know that in between every yawn, I hear a beautiful melody that almost puts me to sleep. You know that phrase mind over body? In my case, it’s been body over mind. The fatigue and yawning is almost comical and has decided to shut down other parts of my body in order to function as closely to a human being as possible. For now, my mind has been quieted and I am allowed to sit in the still silence that comes with not thinking and what a blessing it has been. The gentle whispers of my soul have never been so loud. It’s amazing what you hear once the white noise of your mind has stopped.

I would think of a clever ending or something but I really need a nap.

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