Two Faced

Hello, this is me when I am not anxious. I see beauty everywhere I go. I enjoy watching Bones on Netflix. Flowers make me smile even though they make my nose itch. Spring is my favorite season along with Fall even though my allergies are deadly. I love snacking. I can eat a whole box of chocolate by myself in one sitting followed by a pint of ice cream. I laugh a lot and sometimes snort when I laugh too hard or even shed a tear. I smile at everyone. I pray all the time. I enjoy reading my bible. I love to take silly pictures. I love cuddling. I love hugs that last too long. I love coffee dates that go for hours. I love people. I enjoy laying in the sun and going for walks by the water or up to the cemetery. I enjoy holding hands with my friends. I enjoy telling funny jokes and stories. I love to read poems. I love to write.The world inspires me to be a better person. I can sit and listen to your story all day long. Tell me everything. I want to know it all! You are interesting and I care about your story, where you came from and who you are. Let me plan fun activities for the two of us to share! I have so many ideas. Let’s have fun picking one, two or three! I think and pray for my friends often. I go to class, get my homework done, and am productive. I am alive. I am fun! I am me.

Hi. This is me when I am anxious. All I see are a list of things to do. Nothing brings me joy. Netflix bores me. Flowers take up too much space. I hate every season. The allergies stress me out and I want to stay inside. I don’t have the energy to get up and get snacks. The thought of food makes me nauseous. Nothing makes me laugh, but maybe you’ll see a smile. I have nothing to say but negative things. Smiling is too tiring. Praying? I don’t have time. I can’t wake up to read my bible because I couldn’t sleep last night. Don’t take a picture of me, I haven’t had a shower in days. Don’t touch me. I don’t have the energy for a coffee date, I just want to nap. People are exhausting and selfish. The sun is too bright, the cemetery is too far. I have no jokes or stories to tell because I haven’t felt inspiration in days. I will fall asleep if I try to read. I have nothing to say. I have no inspiration. Don’t tell me your story, my mind is too far gone and wandering anyway. I don’t want friends. I need to keep people away from me so they don’t get hurt. I need to protect you from me. Don’t get too close or you’ll get burnt. Don’t ask me to make a decision, I have too much on my mind and you’ll only stress me out. I am overwhelmed with indecision. I can’t even decide whether or not to brush my teeth. I don’t have the energy to go to class, it’s fine if I miss another day. I’m too tired to do homework. I am not alive. I am not fun. I am not me. I don’t know who or what I am.

I feel like I am two different people sharing one body. I never know who is going to appear and who is going to stay longer. One day, the real me is here for a long time and I make it through the day but then something small will occur then the monster comes out. She makes a mess everywhere she goes, hurts people and I am left cleaning up the mess she made afterwards. I am afraid to go out, I am afraid to talk to people, I am afraid to let anyone in or to leave my room. I feel like I have to keep people at arms length for their own safety. I still love and care about them so much that I can’t stand the thought of hurting them. I have to push them away for their own protection from me, this monster.

Today, I woke up relieved to feel like myself. I smiled all day, laughed, got through class, was social, friendly, goofy and felt so happy! I even made jokes that were actually funny not just to me. But then in the evening, I got provoked and the monster came out. I pushed people away from me physically, said hurtful things the real me would never say, and was not able to get through an uncomfortable discussion the way I normally do. My thoughts are usually coherent and I can form a logical argument while keeping an open mind to the person I talk to. When the monster comes out, she accesses the deep secrets they have shared with me and uses it to push salt into their wounds and then tosses her head back and laughs. When she is saying the disgusting words, I just watch myself and my heart breaks. I don’t know where this monster is coming from but I can’t stop her. Once she takes over, the anger comes rushing in and I can’t stop; it fuels her and I can’t let it go. I feel stuck. I just want to be me but I can’t. I’m convinced I need to be alone the rest of my life so I don’t hurt anybody else. Marriage is out of the picture. I can’t ask a man to spend the rest of his life with a monster. Don’t even get me started on the kids. They would be destroyed having a monster for a mother. There’s a monster riding on my back and it brought a friend. They hover over me and are weighing me down more everyday. I can’t let anyone close because the monsters will push them away. They are the only ones keeping me company now. These are the fears that plague my mind, these are real glimpses into a mind of anxiety. The depression partners up with the monster and suppresses all feelings so that I feel numb to the monster’s stings. I am stuck inside next to a monster and I am struggling to hold onto me. When she comes out, know that it’s not me. It’s her.

All I have the courage to say is Jesus. I say it over and over because that’s the only thing I have the strength to say. My body is fighting itself constantly. I am exhausted all the time. Inspiration has all but disappeared. All I have are these jumbled words I struggle to put down into sentences. I don’t even have the energy to cry for help. I just sit and suppress the monster as best as I can and smile for those around me praying desperately she doesn’t come out and destroy them the way she is destroying me. Jesus Jesus Jesus. Help my soul. I am weak, I am weary, I am crawling through the shadow of the valley of death. I fear the evil inside of me. I need Your rod and staff to comfort me. I can’t see anything around me. It’s so dark and cold. I’m so alone. I feel like two different people, completely two faced.

I look forward to the day where I can walk and the monster disappears. Maybe if I admit she’s there, she won’t have as much power over me. I am not afraid of her when I know how big my God is. Right now, all I have is my head knowledge of who God is because my heart is unreliable. The monster has taken reigns of my heart strings and is tying them all up into knots. I just have my knowledge of who God is. My shield and strength has never abandoned me even when I feel the world crumbling all around me. My faith is based on my knowledge alone now and it will hold me over until my heart has been rescued. God is the only one still standing and I praise Him loudly because He is still holding me up so that I won’t crumble along with the world. You see, friends, I am not of this world. I belong in His kingdom next to Him and I can’t wait for the day when I can go home. But for now, I will lay down in the valley of shadow of death and look for some stars, any glimpse of beauty, any window of sanity so I can remember who I truly am.

Thank you for walking with me on this crazy path that drops suddenly, turns too sharply and has hills too steep for me to climb. I have no conclusion and I am not satisfied with this post but now I have it on record for myself that this monster can be defeated. There is hope because I still see glimpses of me hidden away. I am still here, hiding, drowning, but here. Don’t stop reminding me who and whose I am. Don’t stop looking for me. Please don’t lose sight of me in case one day I do.

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