The Light Of Day

The sky is crying today. It built them up all day long and tried to hide the sadness behind clouds of gray. The breeze shook the clouds gently but the sky fought back. The sky refused to crack. The tears continued to build and build, the sky grew more and more gray, and the day grew darker. The sun had no chance to shine its beautiful face. It was stuck behind the clouds of gray and tears of pain. I smile through my own tears leaking inside of me since my eyes refuse to open the water gates. I understand you, sky filled with pain, I understand the hurt you feel that eats you alive, I understand the reluctance of the sun to shine. What is there to color today? There are no pages to fill and there are no ideas to create. I feel only darkness inside of me that reflects the gray of the clouds and that’s okay. I’ll be gray with you, sky of pain. I’ll rain with you, sky full of tears. I know your heart breaks for me, my heart is breaking too. They say you can’t see the rainbow without the rain right? It can’t rain forever, we’ll stop leaking eventually. For now, sit by me and let’s let the tears fall before we try to stand up again.

The monster in me came out today. My source of anxiety would not go away and kept inflicting words of pain. With every word he says, I see more and more I am second place to himself and will never be promoted. I sit there and take every hit but I want to stop. My hands are tied up but there’s no one here but myself. I sit on my own hands and refuse to let myself go. The pain hurts but the monster inside of me feeds off of it and uses it to gain power over me and when she gets her fill, she comes roaring out while I sit in my chair with my hands beneath my thighs. She comes out, flips every table, takes every ounce of pain and pairs them up with anger to make the fire ball burn even brighter. She comes out and lashes out at him, the one that hurts me most, the one I need to walk away from but can’t let go, and part of me loves to watch him suffer. This evil inside of me is so dark. I feel like I need to go hide so those closest to me don’t get hurt. I am capable of so much pain and hurt. I see the pain in his eyes and feel satisfied knowing that the pain he caused me is now inside his eyes. Revenge is a dish best served cold? I don’t understand that quote and I never will. Revenge doesn’t feel good at all. Nobody wins in a war. I’m losing on all fronts. The angel of music’s song is becoming distorted and I see now it’s only a record player he plays for show. The track is always the same though the audience changes by the day. He plays the same song to woo them in and then you realize the song isn’t real and the player has been played over and over. He promises you’re the only one that hears the song but soon you realize that you were wrong. He tries to convince you that you’re not seeing things correctly and tries to make you believe his lie even though the truth is screaming at you through every note. Why do you almost believe the truth? Because there’s a sick part of us that wants to redeem the bad guy. If we just stick around and pour out more of ourselves, he’ll change right? He’ll get the courage to write his own song just for me and maybe he’ll change. I’m sorry to say, honey, he’ll never change if you’re the motivation. As soon as he knows he’s got you hooked, he’ll change the CD and begin the old song. It’s so familiar by now that you can’t help but sit down and enjoy the music just for a while, you tell yourself. Soon a while becomes too long but it’s too late to leave now, you love the sound. Why? It’s not sweet. It’s not good. It hurts you but you’ve been hit for so long you don’t realize it’s a trick anymore. We live life wanting to serve without expecting anything in return, but before we know it, we’re empty and there’s nothing left inside to give. Their demand for more only increases when they see that you’re depleted and then they leave you, alone.

Beyond the sick track, I can hear the birds singing. I don’t understand what there is to sing about but still, their joyful song continues. They sing and sing and it’s beautiful. My heart longs for more than this stupid track I’ve heard a thousand times and it longs to be more than broken. The monster in me tries to hold on to the source of her strength but I hear the sound of the rising dawn. It might still be raining but I know the sun still exists. Just because it’s dark now doesn’t mean it always will be. When we get on an airplane on a dark gray day, we often close our window and look away. There’s nothing to see, nothing to anticipate, so we put in our headphones and dream the flight away. But through the cracks, there’s some light pouring in, you squint and you mutter but soon you begin to wonder what could be outside. When you open the window shade, your eyes open wide at the sight of the sun shining brilliantly in the sky. The clouds of gray remain underneath but when you rise above them, only then can you see. You can see the light of the sun, the light of the day, the blue of the sky never actually went away. The gray looks too powerful, the clouds look so thick, but the truth of the matter is, there is always light if only you look beyond the clouds.

The sky is crying today. It built them up all day long and tried to hide the sadness behind clouds of gray. The breeze shook the clouds gently but the sky fought back. The sky refused to crack. The tears continued to build and build, the sky grew more and more gray, and the day grew darker. The sun had no chance to shine its beautiful face. It was stuck behind the clouds of gray and tears of pain. I smile through my own tears leaking inside of me since my eyes refuse to open the water gates. I understand you sky filled with pain, I understand the hurt you feel that eats you alive, I understand the reluctance of the sun to shine. I feel only darkness inside of me that reflects the gray of the clouds and that’s okay. I know your heart breaks for me, my heart is breaking too. But before we know it, the sun will break through and share its brilliant light once again. There will be no more night, no more tears, and no more pain. We’ll be okay. For now, sit by me and let’s let the tears fall before we try to stand up again. It’s okay not to be okay, as long as you never lose sight of the day.

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