I got rejected today. Again. By the same adviser for a different position. I was so sure this was what God wanted for me, and here I am, palms open wide, confused as heck. My first instinct is to be sad. That ended quickly when it switched to anger. I’m being punished for the past. Someone I once cared about had disrespected my privacy, lied and led another person I trusted to believe I had used my current position as a weapon. That person I trusted didn’t talk to me and went straight to the supervisor and I got in trouble for something I did not do. That first supervisor wasn’t even a part of the program I’m in. Then I met with the supervisor of my current program. When I went to her office crying the day I was diagnosed, she had such love and empathy because she was someone who had experienced it too. She was off medication and carried what I thought then was strength and a desire to help those who were hurting. When I saw her the second day after the lies had been spread, she looked at me like I was a mistake. Every word I said trying to explain the misunderstanding, the misinterpretation, the lie was met with the look you get from an adult that has already dismissed you because they think they are superior. I gave up. What can you do when every word is already dismissed because they have formulated their own ideas about you? Every once in a while, I got a threatening, “I know what happened.”, from her. But does she really? Do you really know what happened? How can you when I am dismissed before I have a chance to speak? The leaders above me all spoke about and at me. Nobody decided to talk TO me. Everybody assumed that because I had mental disorders, I was not capable of speaking for myself. Now they have an image of me that is inaccurate. My words come off manipulative and my mental disorders become a weapon for me to use.
I don’t understand why I’m so quickly dismissed because I live with mental disorders. I don’t understand why my explanations, thoughts, and confusion were ignored. I don’t understand why everything they knew about me before the diagnosis was suddenly erased. Because of my new label, everything else about me disappeared.
This reality hurts me to the core. I want to weep tears of pain but all I have is anger. But I can’t show anger because they’ll blame it on the mental disorders. I can’t show pain because they’ll chalk it up to depression. I am a human being. I have emotions. I am more than depression. I am more than anxiety. I have been healed and am continuing healing so don’t you dare take that away from me. Don’t you dare stick this label back on when I have already ripped it off. I am so tired of being discriminated against. I am capable of leading. I am capable of serving others. I am able. I am able.
Why can’t anybody see that? Why can’t they see me? Whole, complete.
Maybe I shouldn’t blog while angry. Maybe I’m too outspoken. Maybe I bring up things that shouldn’t be brought up. Maybe I mess up sometimes. Maybe I say the wrong things. I’m just like everybody else but I’m under a microscope zoomed in on depression and anxiety. They can’t see the rest of me. If I mess up, it’s a bigger deal than if someone “normal” messes up.
Yeah I’m blogging while pissed but hey, at least I’m raw. Yeah I’m outspoken and say my mind with no filter. At least I’m honest. Yes I bring up things that make people uncomfortable but somebody has to. Just because you brush something under the rug and don’t talk about it doesn’t mean it disappears. It grows. You can’t solve a problem when you have half the equation. Everybody is so afraid to touch the taboo but I like to jump right in. Don’t chalk that up to the mental disorders, you can chalk that on me directly. That’s who I am, not what my mental disorders make me. I absolutely mess up, but that’s when I learn. I say the wrong things but I like to laugh it off and grow from them. Why don’t you laugh with me instead of piercing me with your eyes? Who made you God? Who gave you the right to tell me I’m less than? Why do you tell me to work on getting better then strike me down when I try?
This injustice has to end. We are so much more than our label.
God, oh precious Father, please take this sword and battle from me. I cannot do it without you. I just want to appear normal but Father show me who You made me to be. If I’m outspoken and shunned from the crowd, so be it. As long as I’m serving You I’m good. Show me how. Please take this battle from me. Help me fight so that together we can reach victory. I cannot fend myself against the evils of the world. I cannot make everyone accept me and love me. Help me grow in myself so that I can be an example.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God…” (Isaiah 43:1-3 ESV)
I read these words over and over as I watch the fire burn and the river roar. It hurts and hurts until I lift my eyes up to the one who protects me. We already have the victory if only we claim it.
Having a position means nothing if it’s not what God wants for us. We don’t need a label to lead. If a human adviser is going to try and stop God, then boy she’s got it coming. God’s going to do something bigger now and I can’t wait to see what it is. Having anything if it’s not God’s desire means nothing. May we live with our palms open and our souls ready for the greatest adventure of our lives. Sometimes, it’s the not the way we want to go or the way everybody else is going but if we’re walking with Jesus, it’s bound to be beautiful.