Depression can be terrifying. It warps reality and soon you question everything you look at. Is it real? Is it something my mind is creating out of nothing? It’s scary when you look around you and realize the world may not be the way you see it. It’s like you’re stuck in the middle of your own reality while inside a larger reality. It’s like inception but not as cool. You can’t create things with your mind and make infinite stairs or fun things. Depression is in charge in this section and is building terrifying things you can’t climb. It’s like the horrible teacher that puts things on the test that you didn’t study for because it wasn’t on the study guide. You’re set up to fail. You’ve been misled into thinking you can do something but reality tells you otherwise. Suddenly every comment, insult, compliment, statement, question has to be scanned to make sure it doesn’t have a trigger. The problem is, depression will make everything look like a trigger and anxiety jumps in and takes over. They’re two toxic best friends who do nothing but tear each other down. They figure if they’re not alone then it’s not unhealthy, right?
I feel stuck in this reality. Lately I’ve trying to cling onto friends, new people, boys, whatever just to escape this reality for a moment. I’m scared to sit alone with my thoughts because I don’t like where they go. I’ve been running from God for a while now. A couple days ago, I started coming down with a cold and had to cancel a bunch of plans I had made. I think God physically slowed me down so I had to stop running from Him. I think I’m afraid of hearing what He has to say. I don’t think He’ll condemn me or anything like that but I’m afraid He’ll continue saying He loves me and wants me back. Why does that scare me? Why does His love scare me? I think it’s because I don’t believe I deserve it. I can’t have it because I’m not good enough to be loved by God. I have to block out His love because He’s too silly to realize that I don’t deserve it.
I know none of that is true but I don’t understand why we block out God’s love because we think we don’t deserve it. We are telling God His love isn’t big enough for us everyday when we run. I’m so guilty of this. I’ll be the first to say I tell God He’s not big enough for me every single day but I won’t admit it if we’re talking face to face. I’ll pretend to be a good Christian (What does good Christian even mean?) and all that stuff but now I’m having trouble believing the words I say. I read back on my old posts and feel encouraged to know that I can go back to that place of intimacy with God. Being close to God is the best place I’ve ever been. So why do I run?
I have no idea.
It could be because I don’t want to change my life style. The weight of conviction is too heavy. I’m comfortable where I’m at. Change requires too much effort. I don’t want to cry for an hour. I don’t want to admit I’m wrong. It could be for hundreds of thousands of reasons that only make sense in my head but seem absurd when I say them out loud.
Lately, every plan, every attempt to try and escape this reality has failed. I’ve been rejected, attacked, fought, or something. Something always goes wrong and it kills me. I feel like it’s heartbreak on top of heartbreak in this dangerous game of Jenga. It’s piling higher and higher and it’s starting to wobble. Someone keeps pulling pieces out and makes me wobble more. I’m afraid to deal with this heartbreak because it’s too painful so I fill it with something else but something goes wrong because I still carry this other heartbreak with me. Unresolved heartbreak causes further heartbreak.
My heart is broken and it continues to break. God, I cant give You my whole heart, but You can have all the pieces. It’s all I’ve got.