Do you still hear me? If I could cry, would You listen? Has my voice gotten lost in a sea of other voices? I know everybody says You’re big enough to hear all of our voices at once, but is that still true? Maybe my voice has truly gotten lost because there were just too many. Did You get tired? Did I not pray enough? Do I not have enough verses memorized? Am I too far gone?
I would understand if You decided I was too much. I don’t understand though. You made me this way. Why did You make me with depression and anxiety? To use it to glorify Your kingdom? So you’re using my pain to glorify Your kingdom. That sounds selfish to me. Can’t You use other things to glorify Your kingdom? Why does it have to be pain? Why can’t I make You a cool video and show it to people? Why do we need to suffer?
I hate asking people this question or talking about this with other Christians. You know what they say?
“I’ll pray for you.” Then walk away and never do.
“It’ll get better I promise.” Gag.
“Everything happens for a reason.” Ugh.
“Here’s a bible verse.” Rolling my eyes.
“Just pray harder.” Back away, I will smack you.
Well. Here’s what I have to say. How about you stop praying and listen to me? Turn off your happy sprinkler. Not everything happens for a reason. Shut that Bible. Don’t tell me what to do.
I am so tired of hearing people constantly throwing the “get better” or “just shrug it off” attitude around when someone is hurting. The thing with depression is I am literally fighting nothing. I will feel angry or upset but can’t place my finger on it. I’ll usually place my finger on the last thing that happened before the emotions came and hit me which is usually an interaction with my mother.
Tonight, the reason she decided to yell was a lost checkbook. A stupid checkbook. I don’t think she knows what a normal conversation is. There is no mature adult conversation about what to do. She will scream at me and yell at me for minutes on end even if I respond quietly. Then she’ll yell louder as if this somehow magnifies her words and makes me rush to please her. After the yelling session, she’ll push and irritate every five minutes. Then, when she finds what she’s looking for, everything is fine and it’s as if she said nothing damaging. The concept of being ill means nothing to her. I could be dying on the hospital bed and she would pester me about something else. This might sound like an exaggeration but this has literally happened when I went to the hospital after falling off a cliff.
It is near impossible talking to anybody but my counselor about my mother because people assume I’m exaggerating, talking because I’m upset, making a big deal out of nothing or lying. They forget my rationality and don’t realize when I say she shouldn’t be a mother this is a logical conclusion I’ve come to after spending twenty years watching her put her social life before her kids, fail to apologize, and ignore every hurt and pain that comes our way. A mother should be there to protect and love right? Well this one decided to leave her kids to fend for themselves. Luckily, my brother and I have a wonderful father. It didn’t stop me from growing up much too quickly though and becoming jaded at a young age. It sounds so stupid venting and being upset but walk in my shoes for a day. Please. My feet are tired and I’m done walking. I ask God why me? all the time. Why am I in this family? Why? Why couldn’t I have had one of those kingdom kid lives in a loving Christian home? I see so many people take advantage of their incredible family and failing to recognize their blessing. I promise I wouldn’t do that if You would just take me out of here. I bargain with God all the time, trying so hard to get out of here. I hear the whole “you should be thankful for what you have” thing all the time. I’m thankful for the good things in my life but I am also very aware of all the things wrong and they are very frustrating. My anxiety refuses to let me relax and enjoy the good. My depression refuses to let me feel anything at all.
So God, here I sit, before You feeling forgotten. Feeling used. Feeling neglected. Feeling frustrated. Angry. I have no words of praise. No song to sing. No prayers to offer. Isn’t it crazy how brain disorders warp everything around you? This is why this conversation needs to be had and people need to start talking about how to support people with brain disorders. We lose our sight. We lose our grip on reality. We need a reminder on who we are and where we are supposed to be going. Right now, I have no idea.