Sometimes depression doesn’t creep in slowly so you don’t expect it. There are days when it’s a tidal wave you didn’t see building until it comes crashing to the shore destroying every building in its path leaving no survivors. Tonight was a night when I had been walking on the beach and unexpectedly drowned in a wave I did not see building. The break of the wave envelopes me and forces me to sit down when moments ago I had felt like dancing. I lift my hand to paint and walk away with rainbow hands and leave destruction on the paper. One moment, you feel absolutely alive. There’s nothing stopping you from anything. You can dance to any song, even the ones you don’t know, you can sing at the top of your lungs even if you’ve never had a lesson, you can smile simply because the sun is shining. Then the clouds come rushing in over the sun and the warm blanket is ripped off you. The rain doesn’t just pour, it drowns everything underneath the sky including you. Including me.
I’m soaked to the bone as I drift around this endless ocean. Nothing seems to have meaning anymore. It’s not a beautiful scuba diving trip where you see fish, coral, the clear blue sky and sand on the bottom. It’s the middle of the ocean in the dead of night and nothing stirs. There are no waves, no fish, just water and an endless abyss of nothing underneath you. Treading water no longer seems like a good idea so you stop and let yourself sink. Drowning is peaceful.
Tonight I am haunted by thoughts of suicide. Like I’ve said before, there’s no strong desire to just kill myself because I’m sad; I simply want to stop treading water because there’s no boat coming my way. I want to turn off this annoying noise in the background, flip the switch of the light that’s too bright. I just want to stop. I want to stop forcing myself to walk through this endless desert. I’ve shaken my fist at God for what feels like weeks now screaming, “Where are you?”
Why does He only show up when I feel broken? Why can’t He use me when I am on top of the world? I can be just as effective I promise. It seems like my relationship with God has been a roller coaster of faith. I seem to always be brought to my knees by immense pain or trauma, cry out to God then He uses my pain for His glory. Lately, I’ve been angered by this. A lot. A lot a lot. Do not cause me pain simply to glorify Your kingdom. That is selfish and disgusting. I will not accept this pain simply to bring glory to God. That is the most silly notion I’ve ever heard. If God is love, then why not help me out once in a blue moon? I hear people who live their life virtually trauma free and they do incredible things. I can do that too. Why do I need to be broken to feel God’s presence? I know I can be prideful sometimes but that doesn’t mean I can’t be used just because I’m having a good day. That’s bull shit. I’m angry.
I want God to meet me where I’m at. I’ve said over and over He can come in, sweep me up, and turn things around. Yet He sits back and waits for me to suffer before He comes to be with me. Do I need to slit my wrists to feel You, God? Do I need to hurt myself in order for You to be close to me? I think I slipped between the cracks of His hands. I think the world finally became too much to carry and something had to go. He no longer has time for me and my prayers. There’s only so much of God to go around, right?
Despite my immense anger and pain, I cannot say God is dead. I cannot say I have abandoned my faith and am no longer a Christian. Believe me, I am so tempted. I am so tempted to walk away, slit my wrists and be done with this life. I am so tempted to cave into these dangerous thoughts that plague me yet I can’t. I know with all my heart that God is real even if I am shaking my fists and screaming to an empty sky.
I want to give up yet my soul refuses. My soul refuses to go down without a fight. It refuses to go down at all. It’s the reason why I have strength to say no to those dangerous thoughts and to avoid the blade. I refuse to lose this battle to depression no matter how tempting it is. Tomorrow will be brighter and louder and I will win once again.
It is when you are cracked that the light can shine out.