I took my beautiful adopted kitty, Henley, to the vet today. She threw up yesterday while I was in the shower and I immediately dialed the vet. Bringing her in today, my heart was pounding. (hg]AAAAAAAAAAAY – Henley walked across my laptop to say hello) I was hoping her coughs and sneezes were semi normal ish. I’m not sure. I was rationalizing everything in my head in order to keep the stress at bay instead of letting it sweep me out to the ocean to drown in anxiety and depression. My dam held strongly until the vet said Henley might have pneumonia and may need an X-ray. My heart sank. We walked out of there with two more medications to give her to make sure she’s alright. The dam broke and I let myself be swept into the arms of anxiety and depression. Even now at home, Henley appears to be doing fine and glances up at me every couple of seconds as if to check on me and make sure I am okay. It makes me laugh because I should be the one checking on her every couple of seconds but this frown seems to be permanent for now.
The thing with pets that no one warned me about is the sacrifice that comes with it. She has absolutely stolen my heart. Every single piece belongs to her. When she gets sick, I’m worried and the hole where my heart was aches so deeply out of fear that I might lose her. I can’t bear the thought of losing my Henley. I thought that my depression and anxiety had maybe taken my ability to love so deeply but adopting Henley proved me wrong. The love I feel for my cat is insane. I probably sound like a silly cat lady but I don’t mind it. I would rather be deeply in love with my cat than to feel depressed all the time. I realized this sacrifice of my own heart may be good for me because it requires me to feel something for someone else all of the time. Instead of anxiety and depression, I feel joy watching Henley get tangled in between some lines of ribbon or hiding inside a box, poking her head out occasionally. I feel so loved when she comes running to me when I get home and call her name. I feel so special when we cuddle and fall asleep. The smile on her face when I scratch her chin makes me smile even if my arm is falling asleep and my hip is screaming at me to move position. I can’t hear a thing of pain over the joyful purring coming from my beautiful kitty. Depression and anxiety have no room when I am cuddling with my Henley.
On the drive back, I began thinking. What if people with depression were paired up with a pet, dog or cat or whatever, who are in need of a home? What if we had an organization that gives the animal away for free for someone suffering from depression or anxiety? They are partnered up with someone who can give them a loving home and in return provide love and joy for the person suffering. They would make the ultimate sacrifice of their own heart, provide shelter for the animal and in return develop a relationship that makes both of them better. I think that would be such a cool thing to do. Just a thought, a crazy idea. Don’t try and steal it from me without my permission – I’ve got a kitty to send out. 😉 But for real, I think that would be so beneficial and I needed to record it for my own sake!
Now I need to go take care of my kitty. She’s been eyeing me the whole time I’ve been writing, cocking her head and wondering when I am going to play with her. I’m off to be a goofy mom to my silly kitty. Sick or not, she still holds my heart between her furry paws.