Confession. I ran out of antidepressants about three days ago and haven’t refilled them yet. Why? I don’t really know. At first it was because I forgot, then it turned into laziness, and now I don’t really know. I just haven’t been going to the grocery store. I don’t avoid it but I don’t feel an overwhelming desire to refill them either. I feel just fine. Maybe it’s the lasting effects before it runs out or something, I’m not too sure. I should probably go refill them right now but the dreams I’ve been having the last couple days are so weird.
Instead of having random scenes from my day or simply having no dreams, they’ve been nightmares or action hero scenes. They are so intense I can’t tell when I’ve woken up and the dream has stopped. Lately, they’ve been including people that I know. Sometimes they die, sometimes they’re the enemy, sometimes they’re my partner in crime. Either way it’s so intense I always text them confused and we laugh a bit. The latest dream was a hero action movie with a chick flick ending. It was cute and weird and scary. As usual, when I wake up, I’m confused as hell and feel like I haven’t slept. Truth be told, it feels like I haven’t slept in three days. It’s exhausting but almost fun.
The dream before that was scarier. I don’t remember everything about the dream but I do remember the monsters that chased me. They looked like the weird pokemon things that looked like a dog with weird spikes on its tail. I remember being so afraid and almost paralyzed waking up. That dream stayed with me for a while and honestly, it got really annoying. Instead of letting it scare me, I decided to write it down and get it out of my system, if you will. I went to just write down some silly descriptions and about the fear I felt but something stopped me. I’m not sure what. Maybe I was scared to pull the image up in my mind again or I just didn’t want to record it. Either way, I had nothing to type.
A couple minutes later, I started brainstorming and when the lightning cracked, an idea sparked in my mind. What if I took the hideous dream and made it something beautiful?
Ideas began pouring from my finger tips. The monsters had names, there were characters now, a new land for them to roam and a plot to tie them together neatly in a bow. When the monster had a name, it suddenly wasn’t so scary. I think maybe I was afraid of the unknown and not so much the monster itself. We all fear the unknown. Maybe because it’s not something we don’t know, but it’s something we don’t want to admit we know. When we take that darkness we don’t want to name and get the courage to name it, it suddenly doesn’t have as much power over us. By giving it a name, we establish control over the thing and fear leaves. I named my monsters and turned it into a story. I took my nightmare and turned it into something beautiful. Well, hopefully it’s beautiful. They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, right?
It reminds me of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Caterpillars don’t begin the cutest of all animals but they end up turning into something beautiful. They grow wings and fly. They travel all around seeing the world from a completely different perspective. That’s how we should treat all of our fears. They’re stupid caterpillars that see things from the ground. They get eaten more easily and probably live with more fear. Caterpillars can only crawl along the ground and it takes forever to get somewhere. Our fears slow us down and don’t allow us to see anything from above. They only allow us to see what’s right in front and it usually isn’t very pretty. If we can allow ourselves to transform, the world becomes a much bigger place and suddenly the thing in front of us isn’t small anymore. Things get put into perspective and we realize how small our fears are in comparison to the rest of the world. I don’t want to crawl the rest of my life. I don’t mind waiting in a cocoon and taking a break in order to fly. Closing my eyes and resting for a while sounds like a wonderful thing. After a while, you get to spread your wings and fly. Instead of seeing the darkness in a cocoon, the colors are suddenly vibrant, bright and like nothing you’ve ever seen before. The wind feels amazing beneath the wings and you can see the whole world.
Maybe change isn’t so bad.