Sacrificing The Soul

Is it November already? Oh my gosh. Time seems to fly by faster the older I get! I kept telling myself after my last post I will write when I have free time, after homework, after class, after something that has to be done… and now it’s been almost a month since I’ve sat at my laptop and written something that wasn’t for school. The to-do list in my mind has been growing and I can’t seem to see the end.

This week has been an especially crazy one resulting in late nights, tears, anxiety attacks and a constant feeling of dissatisfaction. The late nights came from not wanting to do homework because I didn’t feel it was beneficial for my future. The tears came from the constant frustration of feeling like I was at a stand still. The anxiety attacks came as a result of being too overwhelmed. The constant feeling of dissatisfaction came from not being able to accomplish my goals. Realizing my goals weren’t being accomplished was a surprising thing for me because I thought I would be satisfied finishing school and doing my homework and getting good grades. Now, on the eve of yet another exam, all of the motivation I feel is not towards school but towards my own learning. One of my favorite quotes is, “I never let my education get in the way of my learning.” and how inapplicable that has been for me. My education has gotten in the way of my learning and growing for far too long.

All of my life in school has revolved around getting good grades, scoring well on tests and completing all of my assignments. Now, I’m starting to reevaluate how important those things really are. I heard the phrase, “Cs get degrees!” constantly from friends and always scoffed. Suddenly that phrase doesn’t seem so silly when I realize it’s 1 am and I haven’t studied for an exam because I was busy writing for pleasure. The guilt I normally would feel for not studying constantly wasn’t there anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is your goals are important. Yes, getting a degree is important too but you don’t have to pull a 4.0 every year to feel good about yourself. Your life doesn’t have to be put on halt in order to get good grades. It’s okay to get a B or C or D or even an F sometimes because we’re not perfect. It’s okay to stay up late writing for pleasure or doing something you love and want to advance in instead of homework over the weekend. It’s okay to rest. I’m finally starting to learn just how important my goals are. I was hurting myself by not allowing myself to do the things I enjoy even if it means sacrificing a perfect grade. Is it even a sacrifice though? I would rather sacrifice a good grade than my soul.

I recently sat down and wrote out my goals for the next six months. As I completed my list, I realized I was further from accomplishing those goals than I’d like to admit. I hadn’t worked on my novels in months. I hadn’t advanced in my research of depression and anxiety. I hadn’t worked on my speaking skills or looked at potential jobs that I love. I hadn’t done anything I had told myself I would. I still can’t run a mile without wanting to pass out at the end. They kept being put off until summer rolled around but by the time June is here, I’m too exhausted from school and end up needing the entire summer just to recover and catch up on sleep. Then September is here and the cycle repeats itself.

Writing gives me life. Studying the things I’m passionate about gives me a thrill. Dreaming about the future and forgetting about homework for a while helps me get my grip back on reality. Pushing through an anxiety attack to do homework is not healthy in any way. Writing through it and allowing my thoughts to clear is what’s important. My self-care hasn’t been there in the way I would like it to be because I so desperately want an A. I’m quickly realizing I can’t do it all and it’s time I start focusing on the things that give me life so that when June comes around I am okay to continue building myself up even more because I’m not worn out.

So here’s my commitment throughout the rest of the school year:

No more stressing over test grades. No more stressing over homework assignments that weren’t done perfectly. No more listening to the perfectionist in me that tears me down. Here’s to more time writing. Here’s to more naps. Here’s to more Netflix, walks and game nights with people I love. Here’s to more dancing. Here’s to more me time. Here’s to loving myself enough to cherish my soul and reach my goals. As Christmas break approaches, I can’t wait to see the progress I will have made until then. I can’t wait to see myself writing more blog posts and being inspired.

I can feel my soul slowly coming back to life and I am so excited to see it soar.

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