Loving Loudly

“You’re being discharged tomorrow.”

The social worker on my team of professionals told me this as if I already knew. I had no idea. I looked at her in shock and confusion. I had no time to prepare myself for the world again and I didn’t know if I was ready. She was rude in her response but I ignored her and spaced out. What am I going to do? How will I adjust back to life? Isn’t life the reason I tried to kill myself in the first place?

Several of my friends were discharged today and I have felt lonely. I have new friends here and I’m so lucky to have them. All this change is happening and I don’t know how to feel. I feel depressed at the thought of leaving, anxious at life outside this place, nervous about school, but mostly terrified of it all. I am so scared. I don’t remember being this afraid before. It’s a deep rooted fear. It’s not eating at me, it’s slowly munching and taking it’s time destroying me. It’s nibbling at the edges of my soul so I don’t notice right away but the anxiety is trying to warn me to be aware of what’s happening to me. I’m being thrown back into the world unprepared. I was finally getting my footing and now it’s being ripped away. I feel like that chip you use to scoop up salsa and it just breaks. Like come on chip, do your job! What do I do now?

One of my biggest fears is that the people who reached out and were close to me during this time will disappear and continue on their way. Maybe we’ll like a post occasionally on Facebook or shoot a text once in a blue moon but that’ll be it. They were here for the rough time but now that I look normal I’ll be out of their minds. I am so scared. I’m terrified.  I hate society for making us feel like giving affection is unnatural. I hate that we have to hold this cold demeanor and pretend we’re tough. I hate that we have to keep to ourselves and be selfish to survive. I hate that I have to try to look normal all the time.

I say screw society. I want to be affectionate to my friends all the time. I want to show kindness all the time. I don’t care if I’m called weak, a sissy, a pansy, or whatever name you can think of. I don’t want to have a permanently cold demeanor and pretend I’m tough. I don’t want to keep to myself. I want to let my friends know I love them everyday. I want to pull them close and hold them tight. I want to keep them for life and drop this upgrading mindset we all have. We’re always looking to upgrade our possessions and this includes friends. We are quick to throw them aside for someone else that looks better. Well surprise, people aren’t always tough and being thrown aside is killer. I have gone through life with seasonal friends, never a lifelong friend. I hear people have long life friends since elementary school and the idea just blows me away. I can’t imagine keeping someone that long. I have seasonal friends but not because I intentionally throw them away. I’m dumb and want them to reach out to me first all the time. I’ll reciprocate but only if it’s convenient for me. I make myself forget people when we stop talking and just wait until they reach out again. I don’t want to be vulnerable.

How dumb am I? Why have I lived like this? This out pouring of love I’ve experienced since being here is keeping me alive and actually happy. Maybe the reason why my depression got so bad is because I felt so isolated. I didn’t know so many people cared about me. I didn’t know I was loved. I’m so scared to leave here and forget. Please, don’t let me forget. I feel so dumb asking for help but here I am, heart on my sleeve, asking for love. I’ve been giving my entire life and I don’t know how to take. I don’t quite know how, I’m so lost. I can’t sit here and be like, “Someone love me!!!!!”. Can I wear it on a shirt? Poster? Something? Tattoo it on my face?

I’m sitting here terrified confessing my need for love. Can we pretend I didn’t just pathetically pour my heart out and just love on me anyway? I feel so fragile and lame. Can I hide in a box? Can I stay here forever and just have visitors? My anxiety is through the roof right now at the thought of jumping back into our lonely society. We’re all isolated despite our connections through social media. Social media is more of a shrine for ourselves, not a way to connect. It just allows us to admire ourselves. I’m so tired of pretending to admire myself. I just take care of everybody else and ignore me. I’m being told I can’t do that anymore. How do I do anything else? Take care of myself? What does that even mean? All I think about is Netflix and I think they want me to do more than that. Teach me please.

I know depression, anxiety, pain, suffering, anguish, heartbreak, disgust, shame, guilt, hatred, disappointment, worthless, and other forms of negative feelings. I also know joy, goofiness, laughter, delight, excitement and being proud. I don’t know as many positive feelings. I guess I know love but not as well as I’d like and I can’t do it alone.

None of this self-help fixing me crap though. Trust me, I am a force to be reckoned with and when I get defensive, it’s not pretty. I don’t need any of the “You’re better than this!” or superficial I love you’s. You know what I mean? I want meaningful interactions with those around me. I want us to walk away from every conversation feeling affirmed, loved, and like that mattered. Please don’t waste my time with pretend love.

Okay I promise I’m done asking for love.Well. I don’t just want superficial love. I’d like a vente, triple shot of affection, love cup with a side of consistency and please scrape the fake people off the top. Is that okay? I’d like that a lot. A nice drink for comfort but one that is consistent. I don’t want seasonal friends anymore, I want life friends. I hope that’s okay. Let’s screw society together and break those stupid rules. We’ll be all lovey and cute and never let anybody forget how loved they are. I can’t do it alone.

Are you with me? You should be. Just saying. Cause I’m terrified.

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